Sex After 40: Intimacy, Desire, Sex Toys & What Nobody Talks About

Let’s talk about sex after 40.

Because somewhere along the way, women hit 40 (and 50 and beyond), and suddenly everyone is happy to talk about our hormones, hot flashes, weight gain, sleep problems and reading glasses—but sex?

That conversation gets a whole lot quieter.

Meanwhile, plenty of us are wondering: Is what I’m experiencing normal?

Maybe your desire has changed. Maybe sex feels different. Maybe you love your partner but aren't exactly racing to rip their clothes off after a long day. Maybe you're dating again after divorce or loss and trying to figure out intimacy with someone new.

Or maybe sex is actually better now.

Nobody really prepares us for that possibility either.

On WTF Just Happened?, we sat down with therapist, author and Certified Sex Therapist Sara Rian for a very honest conversation about sex after 40, intimacy, desire, grief, relationships—and all the things we're apparently still supposed to whisper about.

Sex After 40 Is About More Than Hormones

Yes, hormones matter.

Perimenopause and menopause can affect libido, arousal, sleep, energy and how our bodies physically experience sex.

But by midlife, we're also carrying decades of LIFE into the bedroom.

Kids. Careers. Stress. Long marriages. Divorce. Grief. Body changes. Aging parents. New relationships. Changing identities.

It's a lot.

So when intimacy changes, the answer isn't always simply, “My hormones are screwed up.”

Sometimes the better question is: What else is happening in my life—and how is that affecting intimacy and desire?

What Happened to My Sex Drive?

One of the biggest misconceptions about sex is that we're supposed to spontaneously want it first.

Desire appears. Clothes come off. Everyone has a fabulous time.

Except desire doesn't always work that way.

Especially after 40.

Sometimes connection comes first.

Touch. Conversation. Affection. Flirting. Feeling emotionally close. Having actual uninterrupted time together without a phone, kid, dog or laundry basket demanding something from you.

For some people, desire builds after intimacy begins rather than magically appearing beforehand.

And understanding that can take a whole lot of pressure off someone who's been thinking, What the hell happened to me?

Can We Please Talk About Sex Toys?

Okay, let's go there.

Sex toys.

There. We said it. Everyone survived.

For something that is completely normal and used by millions of adults, sex toys can still feel weirdly taboo in American culture—especially for women of our generation.

We can discuss Botox, colonoscopies, vaginal dryness and our latest mammogram over lunch, but mention a vibrator and suddenly everyone needs to stare very intently at the bread basket.

I know this one personally.

In my first marriage, toys were basically a no-fly zone. We didn't use them. We didn't really talk about them. And looking back, a lot of that had to do with my ex-husband's ego.

There seemed to be this underlying idea that if I wanted or enjoyed something besides him, it somehow meant he wasn't enough.

Except that's not what a toy means.

It's not a performance review.

It's not competition.

And it certainly isn't a tiny battery-operated home-wrecker.

😂

It's simply another way for adults to explore pleasure, whether you're partnered or single.

And maybe that's one of the benefits of getting older: eventually you start questioning some of the ridiculous rules and embarrassment we've carried around for decades.

Why shouldn't couples be able to talk about what they like?

Why shouldn't women understand what feels good in their own bodies?

Why should buying a sex toy feel more scandalous than buying yet another $200 anti-aging serum promising to make us look 27?

At some point in midlife, maybe we get to say:

I'm a grown-ass woman. We can talk about this.

Because being able to communicate about sex—what you enjoy, what you don't, what you're curious about and what has changed—is part of intimacy too.

And frankly, if we can survive perimenopause, divorce, grief, teenagers, aging parents and trying to remember why we walked into a room, we can survive a conversation about a vibrator.

Intimacy Doesn't Have to Mean Sex

Another important part of our conversation with Sara: intimacy is much bigger than intercourse.

It can be touching. Kissing. Cuddling. Talking. Flirting. Laughing. Feeling wanted. Feeling emotionally seen.

And sometimes rebuilding a sexual connection starts by taking the pressure to have sex completely off the table.

Sara talks about something surprisingly simple: creating intentional time for connection—even in small blocks.

Yes, scheduling intimacy may sound decidedly unsexy.

But you know what's also not particularly sexy?

Waiting indefinitely for two exhausted adults with full lives to spontaneously find the perfect romantic moment.

Sometimes connection needs space on the calendar before it finds its way back into the bedroom.

Your Body Changed. That Doesn't Mean Your Sex Life Is Over.

Bodies change in midlife.

Weight changes. Skin changes. Hormones change. Things move to places where we don't specifically remember authorizing them to move.

And knowing that aging is normal and actually feeling comfortable naked are two very different things.

But sex after 40 isn't about trying to recreate your 25-year-old body—or your 25-year-old sex life.

Maybe we don't need to go backward at all.

Maybe it's about figuring out what feels good now.

Sex After Divorce, Loss or Starting Over

Midlife can also mean finding yourself single again after years—or decades—in a relationship.

Dating again can be exciting, terrifying, awkward and hilarious. Sometimes all during the same date.

And intimacy after losing a spouse brings its own complicated emotions. Grief and sexuality can exist at the same time, even when that feels confusing.

Wanting connection again doesn't erase the relationship or person that came before it.

Sexuality is part of being human. It doesn't disappear simply because life changed.

Maybe We Just Need to Talk About Sex More

That's really why we wanted to have this conversation.

Women spend years hearing about everything we're supposed to do with our bodies.

Lose weight. Exercise. Eat more protein. Drink more water. Fix our hormones. Take care of our skin. Get enough sleep.

But we're rarely encouraged to talk openly about what happens to sex, desire, pleasure and intimacy as we age.

So we're talking about it.

The awkward parts.

The funny parts.

The things that change.

The things that get better.

The toys.

And all those questions plenty of women are quietly Googling but aren't necessarily asking out loud.

Because sex after 40 shouldn't be some embarrassing secret.

We're grown-ass women.

We can talk about this.

Listen to Sex After 40

In this episode of WTF Just Happened? Life Is Messy. Let's Talk About It!, we sit down with therapist, author and Certified Sex Therapist Sara Rian for an honest—and very unfiltered—conversation about sex after 40, desire, intimacy, grief, relationships, pleasure and what happens to our sexuality as life changes.

If you've ever wondered, “Is this normal?”—this one's for you.

Listen to the full episode: Midlife: Sex After 40 | Desire, Intimacy & Grief with Sara Rian.